at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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