the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
