Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize