my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
