and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
