I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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