u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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