You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
