I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize