and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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