This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How external is "for external use only"?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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