woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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