There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
