I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
