I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we made out on top of his cat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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