U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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