alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
