I wanna passion pit in your ass
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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