I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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