rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
