Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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