I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
These tits shall not be calmed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
