he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
