A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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