maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
