I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you never un-have a 4some
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
