good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
