I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is Oprah even human
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
