she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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