i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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