the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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