Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
