According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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