I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize