i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
