My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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