I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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