I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
