I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
