i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
