i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize