I just threw up on my dentist
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
