so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
