The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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