Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
