he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize