Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
