Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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