i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
