His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
