I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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