matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
