??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
