1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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