I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
