so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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