everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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