saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
