doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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