Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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