Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
false alarm. still invincible.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize