Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize