Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
