I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
