i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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